Tina

I just finished reading To Love and Be Loved: A Personal Portrait of Mother Teresa by Jim Towey, her former attorney and friend the last twelve years of her life. It was incredible. No matter your beliefs, you should pick up the book. I am not Catholic, but it moved me–even to tears a couple times.

The first mission work Mother Teresa did in the US (Bronx, NY) was setting up AIDS homes at the height of its power and destruction. Jim volunteered at these homes, and all he’d ever met were adults: prostitutes, drug addicts, and gay men…until one day.

There was an eight-year-old girl named Tina who was born with AIDS. Her mother was a prostitute and drug addict. Her father was also a drug addict who had already been taken by this disease. As a child, Tina contracted chicken pox–which she picked until she bled. Because she had AIDS, the pox were scratched into sores that wouldn’t heal due to her compromised immune system. Though she was in constant pain and agony, she was still a child and still had moments of happiness and times of playfulness. Sometimes in the night, while still asleep, she would scream she wants her mom. She would also say “Jesus loves me.” The author assumed someone had once taken her to church, but nothing was confirmed.

About six weeks into Tina’s stay, she was weaker than ever. Mother Teresa knew the little girl’s end was near, so she asked Jim to track down Tina’s mother to say her goodbyes. Jim sent a female friend (assistant) to get her. The woman found Tina’s mother, bought a Happy Meal from McDonald’s for the woman to give to her daughter, then took her to visit. She arrived in sunglasses and remained silent. After Tina enjoyed the Happy Meal, her mother climbed into bed with her, held her for a short time, then left…never to see her again.

The following day, Jim came to visit Tina, and upon looking for a game to play, at her request, she fell asleep. She died the next day.

I will save the details and his beautiful description of Tina’s departure for you to read yourself. It had me close to tears as I reread the passage.

What a sad situation. Devastating. Unfair. Seemingly hopeless. She was just a little girl. Eight years old. And born to die.

My face flooded with tears as I learned of this little girl, but maybe not for all the reasons you’d think.

Can you imagine what it was like to be that mother? You have a child that has no life expectancy due to your mistakes, struggles, demons, and hopelessness? Losing a child at any age, for any reason, no matter who you are, would be difficult to bear.

She was a prostitute and a drug addict. Which do you think came first? Why do you think she became a prostitute? A drug addict? Do you think she saw no other way out of whatever her life situation was and had no choice but to sell her body to survive? And maybe she started using drugs to cope with the fact she was a prostitute and could see no other way for her life? Or perhaps she was a drug addict and became a prostitute to afford her fix. We will never know.

And what type of life did she have as a little girl? Did she have parents? Was she taken care of? Was she cared for? Or was she neglected? Abused in some kind of way? Who did she come from? How far back did this vicious cycle occur? Again, we will never know.

It’s true. Most of us cannot relate to being drug addicts or prostitutes because we aren’t or haven’t been them. We can still relate, however. We can still put on their shoes and take a walk. In doing so, we may find we have more in common than we think.

Have you ever felt stuck in a situation? I have. Many times. And I couldn’t get out of my own way to see the door. Have you ever been addicted to or obsessed with anything? Shopping? Eating? Gambling? Drinking? Chasing other pleasures? I am sure we all have something we don’t do in moderation. Have you ever felt out of control? I certainly have. Many times. At the end of my 20’s I was drinking for any and every reason, but I thought I had it under control. Until I tried to stop. Then I realized I didn’t. And life was spiraling. But I also liked it because I could run and hide from myself and my feelings. Be numb. Not feel anything. Have you ever wanted to not feel things? I am sure you have. No one chooses pain. Have you ever felt hopeless? If not, you are lucky. I have felt this more times than I can count–for a lot of reasons. I think many can relate, though.

Do we make the best decisions when we feel down, depressed, weak, or hopeless? No. Do we run to anything we can to escape? Yes. And it can get way out of control. And we lose ourselves. And others. And reality changes. And we chase the high. We focus on it. We want to feel good, not knowing numbness isn’t the same thing.

And the next thing you know, you’ve contracted a deadly disease. And now you’re pregnant. And the father died. And you have no idea how you got here. But here you are. You give birth to a daughter. You love her very much–though to everyone else it doesn’t see that way. They see you for what you’ve done, not who you are. They don’t know anything else. They judge you. And you judge you. And you can’t forgive yourself. And you don’t think you deserve to. Because this is all your fault.

Your struggles and demons are louder than ever. And what you once used to numb the pain no longer works. And now you have a child who was born to die. And you will have to bury her because of your poor decisions. And you can’t handle it. More pain. More heartache. More struggles. And you can’t even deal with the things that first destroyed you. But you’re still going to use. You’re still going to sell yourself on the streets. You have to for survival. And although you don’t want to survive, you can’t live with yourself, so you have to keep trying to numb it. You would rather trade places with you child and end your suffering but you don’t have that choice. You continue to hate yourself. And the world hates you. And you think God hates you, too. You can’t understand unconditional love because you’ve never been shown it. You’ve never known the love of God because no one has directed you to it. You can’t forgive yourself because you’ve never been shown forgiveness. You can’t be merciful because you weren’t shown mercy. You live in complete darkness with no belief light exists. And the world damns you to Hell. And you damn yourself. And you don’t want to feel this if you don’t have to. So you’ll chase an escape you’ll never find, a peace you may never experience.

Many of us are lucky. We eventually find the light. Not everyone does. Some just sit and wait to die. What a sad existence. We can’t even call it survival.

No. Many of us aren’t drug addicts or prostitutes. But we can relate to their thoughts and feelings in different ways–maybe even with the same intensity. And what would we want if we were the mother? Understanding. Compassion. Mercy. Forgiveness. Unconditional love. All the things we aren’t giving. Because those things require conscious work. And often times we are too lazy to lace up their shoes, go for a walk, and lend an ear and a shoulder. We are too busy surfing the couch of judgment, justifying our thoughts and feelings, forgetting God will judge us with the same rod we use on others.

I am sure the woman is dead by now. I hope God healed her. I hope He forgave her. And I hope those nuns were able to be with her before she transitioned.

God bless the nuns who care for those we neglect, show love to those we’ve outcast, and lead them into the next life with the dignity, respect, and care they may have never been shown in this life.

Matthew 25:31-40 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.”

May God give us all the strength, bravery, and humility to take up our mats, walk to those in need, and offer them all of the things we’ve been shown and given. May God use us to realize we were the ones who were actually lost. Amen.